This is always a work in progress considering that every day somebody behaves badly on the subway so here are a few more useful tips. Feel free to add your own!
Dear Nervous Lady Sitting Next to Me,
You seem like a commuter but the fact that you are reading the tattered Panera Bread menu out loud leads me to believe that you either have a nervous disorder, you’re a tourist, or you’re out on a day pass. If you’re going to ride the entire way into the city could you at least move on to the soup section of the menu?
Dear Inexperienced and/or Otherwise Shitty Train Driver,
Not only has your ridiculous habit of slamming on the brakes in the middle of the tunnel caused some poor elderly woman to land in a pregnant woman’s lap but if you keep it up I’m going to puke in the cheap weave of the lady sitting in front of me! You should have been a cab driver!
Celtic Dream
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
Helpful Tips for Riding the Metro
It is bad enough that I have to hurtle through the bowels of Washington, DC in a dirty tube, tastelessly decorated in orange, twice a day, five days a week. It would be unpleasant enough even if everyone on the train was normal and acted accordingly but they aren’t and they don’t. That said, here is my plea to the masses for trying to make our hellish commute a little more pleasant:
Dear Fat Person,
If your top is not long enough to cover your rolls when you lift up your arm, please do not get on a crowded train. There is nothing worse than staring point blank into someone’s sweaty belly while seated on the train.
Dear Parents with Unruly Children,
If your children are screaming, crying, or running around like little maniacs, do not bring them on the train. You think your children are cute because you love them. I do not and therefore only find them tolerable for about 20 seconds and that’s if they’re behaving themselves. If you insist on feeding them sugar for breakfast, walk them to daycare and spare us the madness of your bad choices.
Dear People with Questionable Dental Hygiene,
If you are a mouth breather who doesn’t brush your teeth in the morning, for the love of God, at least have a mint. Your reeking gingivitis is nauseating! We can possibly hold our collective breath until we get to work!
Dear Capt. Ignorant, picking your nose,
We can see you!
Dear Smokers,
If you must smoke on the way to the subway, take a cab! If I wanted to sit in an ash tray, I’d go to a bar in West Virginia. Oh and this just in...smoking causes cancer!
Dear People with Mind Numbing Body Odor,
Take a shower and buy a Speed Stick! Better yet, take the bus. They stink anyway and nobody will notice.
I realize that I’m just scratching the surface here but I hope this helps. By following these simple guidelines perhaps we can make our little slice of hell more tolerable.
Dear Fat Person,
If your top is not long enough to cover your rolls when you lift up your arm, please do not get on a crowded train. There is nothing worse than staring point blank into someone’s sweaty belly while seated on the train.
Dear Parents with Unruly Children,
If your children are screaming, crying, or running around like little maniacs, do not bring them on the train. You think your children are cute because you love them. I do not and therefore only find them tolerable for about 20 seconds and that’s if they’re behaving themselves. If you insist on feeding them sugar for breakfast, walk them to daycare and spare us the madness of your bad choices.
Dear People with Questionable Dental Hygiene,
If you are a mouth breather who doesn’t brush your teeth in the morning, for the love of God, at least have a mint. Your reeking gingivitis is nauseating! We can possibly hold our collective breath until we get to work!
Dear Capt. Ignorant, picking your nose,
We can see you!
Dear Smokers,
If you must smoke on the way to the subway, take a cab! If I wanted to sit in an ash tray, I’d go to a bar in West Virginia. Oh and this just in...smoking causes cancer!
Dear People with Mind Numbing Body Odor,
Take a shower and buy a Speed Stick! Better yet, take the bus. They stink anyway and nobody will notice.
I realize that I’m just scratching the surface here but I hope this helps. By following these simple guidelines perhaps we can make our little slice of hell more tolerable.
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