Helpful Tips for Riding the Metro

It is bad enough that I have to hurtle through the bowels of Washington, DC in a dirty tube, tastelessly decorated in orange, twice a day, five days a week. It would be unpleasant enough even if everyone on the train was normal and acted accordingly but they aren’t and they don’t. That said, here is my plea to the masses for trying to make our hellish commute a little more pleasant:

Dear Fat Person,
If your top is not long enough to cover your rolls when you lift up your arm, please do not get on a crowded train. There is nothing worse than staring point blank into someone’s sweaty belly while seated on the train.

Dear Parents with Unruly Children,
If your children are screaming, crying, or running around like little maniacs, do not bring them on the train. You think your children are cute because you love them. I do not and therefore only find them tolerable for about 20 seconds and that’s if they’re behaving themselves. If you insist on feeding them sugar for breakfast, walk them to daycare and spare us the madness of your bad choices.


Dear People with Questionable Dental Hygiene,
If you are a mouth breather who doesn’t brush your teeth in the morning, for the love of God, at least have a mint. Your reeking gingivitis is nauseating! We can possibly hold our collective breath until we get to work!

Dear Capt. Ignorant, picking your nose,
We can see you!

Dear Smokers,
If you must smoke on the way to the subway, take a cab! If I wanted to sit in an ash tray, I’d go to a bar in West Virginia. Oh and this just in...smoking causes cancer!

Dear People with Mind Numbing Body Odor,
Take a shower and buy a Speed Stick! Better yet, take the bus. They stink anyway and nobody will notice.

I realize that I’m just scratching the surface here but I hope this helps. By following these simple guidelines perhaps we can make our little slice of hell more tolerable.